JOKES


What's the difference between Mick Jagger, and a Scottish farmer?

Mick Jagger says "Hey! You! Get off of my cloud." A Scottish farmer says "Hey! McCloud! Get off of my ewe."

The Pastor was passing a group of young teens sitting on the Church lawn and stopped to ask what they were doing.  "Nothing much, sir," replied one boy. "We're just seeing who can tell the biggest lie about their sex life."

"Boys! Boys!" the Pastor intoned, "I'm shocked. When I was your age, we never thought about sex at all!" The boys replied in unison," You win, Pastor.

A business man got on an elevator in a building. When he entered the elevator, there was a blonde already inside and she greeted him by saying "T-G-I-F".
He smiled at her and replied "S-H-I-T".
She looked at him, puzzled, and said "T-G-I-F" again.
He acknowledged her remark again by answering "S-H-I-T."
The blonde was trying to be friendly, so she smiled her biggest smile and said as sweetly as possible "T-G-I-F" another time.
The man smiled back to her and once again replied with a quizzical expression "S-H-I-T."
The blonde finally decided to explain things, and this time she said "T-G-I-F. It means 'Thank Goodness It's Friday.' Get it?"
The man answered "S-H-I-T......Sorry, Honey, It's Thursday."

Two men are having an awfully slow round of golf because the two ladies in front of them managed to get into every bunker, water hazard and piece of rough on the course, and they didn't bother to wave the men on through, which is the proper golf etiquette. After two hours of waiting, one man said "I think I'll walk up there and ask those girls to let us play through." He walked out to the fairway, got halfway to the ladies, stopped, turned around and came back. "I can't do it" he said, "one of those women is my wife and the other is my mistress! Maybe you'd better go talk to them." The second man walked toward the ladies, got halfway there and, just as his partner had done, stopped, turned around and walked back. He smiled sheepishly and said "Small world!"

A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes and bows in prayer.

His friend says, "Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man."

The man then replies, "Yeah, well we were married 35 years."

When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ballpoint pens would not work in zero gravity. To combat the problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and
$12 billion to develop a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to 300 Celsius.

Confronted with the same problem the Russians used a pencil.


A woman gets onto a bus with her baby.
The bus driver says, "That's the ugliest baby that I've ever seen. Ugh!"
The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her, "The driver just insulted me!"
The man says, "There's no call for that. You go right up there and tell him off. Go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you."

A girl is feeling a bit down in the dumps, and decides to treat herself to a meal at The Ritz. She manages to get a table that very night and enjoys a delicious meal on her own, nothing too extravagant but nice all the same.
At the end of her meal, the head waiter brings the bill and she's horrified to see the total of 131.50! She didn't expect this at all.
She turns to the waiter and asks "Would you mind holding my breasts while I write the cheque please?"
The head waiter is taken aback. In all his years in the job he's never been asked that before, but always eager to please the customer, he obliges. She gets up to leave and the waiter is still perplexed. His curiosity gets the better of him and he catches up with the lady at the door.
"I'm sorry to bother you Miss" he begins "but I'd like to know why you asked me to do that just now."
"Oh it's quite simple really," she replies "I just love to have my tits held when I'm being shafted!"

A 75-year old couple decided they wanted to have a child together. But they were having trouble conceiving. So to see if he could still be the father of a child, he went to his doctor's office to get a sperm count. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring me back a sample tomorrow."

The next day, the 75-year old man reappears at the doctor's office and gives him the jar, which is as clean and empty as on the previous day.

The doctor asks what happened, and the man explains, "Well, doc, it's like this. First I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but nothing. Then I asked my wife
for help. She tried with her right hand, but nothing. Then her left, but nothing. Hell, we even called up the lady next door, and she tried with both hands too, but nothing."

The doctor was shocked. "You asked your NEIGHBOR?"

The old man replied, "Yep, but no matter what we tried, we couldn't get the damn jar open!"

Superman was flying through the skies, desperate to have sex; the Man of Steel was gagging for it. As he passed over Gotham City, he saw Batman, so he flew down for some advice.  "Hey Bats, who's a good root?"  Batman replied: "Well, Supe, everyone knows that Wonderwoman is the best sex in comic land, so why don't you try her?"
"I'd love too, but Wonderwoman and I are friends, so I don't really want to take advantage of her..."
"Shame" said Batman, who waved goodbye to Superman as he flew off.  Ten minutes later, he was flying low over a city when he saw Spiderman swinging from rooftop to rooftop.  He flew down.  "Hey Spidey, I'm cruising for a nice piece of ass.  Who's the best root in comic land?"
"Hey Big S, everyone knows that Wonderwoman is far and away the best root in comic land, so why don't you try her?"
"Well, we are sort of friends" he said "but didn't realise she had got around so much" and flew off in frustration.
Twenty minutes later, he was flying over a field when he saw Wonderwoman lying naked, in the middle of the field, with her legs apart and up in the air.  Superman was tempted.  "Goddamn it!" he thought to himself, I'm faster than a speeding bullet, so I can be in and out of there before she even knows it.  So with a blur and a sonic boom, he was down, in and gone.  Wonderwoman stared up into the sky with a glazed expression. "What on earth was that?" she exclaimed." I don't know" said the Invisible Man as he rolled off "but my arse is killing me!"

One day, a shy gentleman was preparing to board a plane when he heard that the Pope was on the same flight. "This is exciting" thought the gentleman. "I've always been a big fan of the Pope. Perhaps I'll be able to see him in person."
Suddenly, the man realised his seat was right next to the Pope himself. Still, the gentleman was too shy to speak to the Pope.
Shortly after take-off, the Pope took a crossword puzzle out off his bag and began working on it. This is fantastic, thought the gentleman. I'm really good at crosswords. Perhaps if the Pope gets stuck, he'll ask me for assistance.
Almost immediately, the Pope turned to the man and said, "Excuse me, but do you know a four letter word referring to a woman that ends in 'unt'?
The man was in shock. He could only think of one word that fitted the description and he was not about to say it to the Pope. The gentleman thought for a while longer, then it hit him. 
Turning to the Pope, the gentleman said "I think you're looking for the word 'aunt'."
"Of course" said the Pope. "Do you have an eraser?"

A lady approaches her priest and tells him "Father, I have a problem. I have two female talking parrots, but they only know how to say one thing. "What do they say?" the priest inquired. "They only know how to say 'Hi, we're prostitutes. Want to have some fun?'" 

"That's terrible" the priest exclaimed. "But I have a solution to your problem. Bring your two female parrots over to my house and I will put them with my two male parrots whom I taught to pray and read the bible. My parrots will teach yours to stop saying that terrible phrase and your female parrots will learn to praise and worship." 

The next day the woman brings her female parrots to the priest's house. His two male parrots are holding rosary beads and are praying in their cage. The lady puts her two female parrots in with the male parrots and the female parrots say "Hi, we're prostitutes, want to have some fun?" One male parrot looks over at the other male parrot and exclaims "Put the beads away. Our prayers have been answered!

A 90-year-old man was having his annual check up and the Doctor asked him how he was feeling. "Never better!" the old boy boasted. "I've got an 18-year-old bride who is pregnant with my child. What do you think about that?"
This was impossible, and the Doctor well knew it. He considered this for a moment, then said "Let me tell you a story. I once knew a guy who was an avid hunter, he never missed a season. One day he left in a hurry and accidentally picked up his umbrella instead of his rifle. There he was in the woods and suddenly a huge grizzly bear appeared in front of him! Fearing for his life, he raised his umbrella, pointed it at the bear and squeezed the handle. And do you know what happened?" the Doctor queried.
Dumbfounded, the old man replied "No, what?"
"Well" continued the Doctor "there was a loud explosion, and the bear dropped dead in front of him!"
"Ha! That's impossible!" laughed the old man "Someone else must have shot the bear!"
"Um... that's kind of what I'm getting at..." replied the Doctor.

HOW TO IMPRESS A WOMAN: Compliment her, cuddle her, kiss her, caress her, love her, stroke her, tease her, comfort her, protect her, hug her, hold her, spend money on her, wine and dine her, buy things for her, listen to her, care for her, stand by her, support her, go to the ends of the earth for her.
HOW TO IMPRESS A MAN: Show up naked. With Beer.

Q. What's the difference between a battery and a woman?
A. Batteries have a positive side!

One day the Lord came to Adam, and said "I've got some good news and some bad news."
Adam said "Well, give me the good news first."
The Lord explained "I've got two new organs for you. One is called a 'brain'. It will allow you to create wonderful new things, solve problems and have intelligent, fruitful conversations with Eve. The other organ I have for you" He continued "is called a 'penis'. It will give you great physical pleasure beyond your wildest dreams, and allow you to reproduce your now intelligent life form and populate the entire Earth. Eve will be very happy now that you have this organ to give her children."
Adam, very excited, exclaimed "These are great gifts you have given to me. What could possibly be bad news after such great tidings?"
The Lord looked upon Adam and said with great sorrow "Well the problem is, you will never be able to use these two gifts at the same time."

A woman who is constantly embarrassed by her husband falling asleep in church goes to the priest to ask for help. The priest says, "Look love, if he falls asleep again, poke him with this hat pin. I'll nod to you as a signal to poke him." The woman agrees to the plan.
So Sunday rolls around and sure enough, good old Mr. Jones nods off again. The priest notices and asks "Who is our saviour?" then nods to Mrs. Jones. She pokes her husband, and he wakes up and shouts "Jesus Christ!".
The priest, pretending to be impressed, says "Very good!"
A full three minutes later, Mr. Jones is asleep again. The priest again notices, and asks "What is the name of Jesus' father?" before nodding at Mrs. Jones again. She pokes her husband, who screams "GOD!" at the top of his voice.
The priest again congratulates Mr. Jones on his alertness and continues with the sermon. However, during the sermon, he begins nodding enthusiastically, which Mrs. Jones mistakes for a poking signal.
The priest then says "And what did Eve say to Adam after she gave him his 99th child?" nodding as he speaks.
The mistaken Mrs. Jones pokes her husband, and he shouts "If you poke that f**king thing into me one more time, I'll snap it in half and shove it up your arse!"

A man is feeling very ill, so he goes to see his doctor and is immediately rushed to hospital to undergo tests. The man wakes up after the tests in a private room at the hospital, and the phone by his bed rings.
"This is your doctor. We've had the results back from your tests and we've found you have an extremely nasty Sexually Transmitted Disease!"
"Oh my God, doctor! What are you going to do?"
"Well, we're going to put you on a diet of pizzas, pancakes and pitta bread."
"Will that cure me?"
"Well no, but it's the only food we can get under the door!"

Q: What's the difference between JFK and Bill Clinton?
A: One got his head blown off in the back of a car, the other got assassinated.

Johnny was an 8-year old in remedial class. One day his teacher asked him a question. "Johnny, if there are five crows on a fence and the farmer shoots one, how many are left?" "None" comes the reply. "Sorry Johnny, but that's wrong. Think again".
"None, miss." is the reply once again.
"Could you explain please, Johnny?" asked the bemused teacher.
"Okay" agrees Johnny "he shoots one and there is blood and guts everywhere. So the others fly off terrified."
"Well that's not exactly the answer I was looking for, the answer is four. But I do like the way you were thinking." remarked the teacher.
"Could I ask you a question, miss?" asked Johnny.
"Certainly, Johnny."
"Three woman are walking down the road. One is licking an ice lolly, one is sucking an ice lolly and the other is biting an ice lolly. Which one is married?"
The teacher ponders the question for a few moments then replies "The one licking the ice lolly!"
"No" retorts Johnny "the one wearing the wedding ring. But I do like the way you were thinking!"

One beautiful Sunday morning the tiny town of Smithvale wakes up and goes to church. Before the service starts most of the congregation have seated themselves. They're all nattering to their neighbours when - shazam - Satan himself appears at the altar in flames.
Naturally, the townspeople erupt in chaos, with people fleeing the church, left, right and centre...except for Bill Scroggs.
God's ultimate nemesis seems confused. He walks up to Bill and says "Don't you know who I am?"
Bill replies "Aye, I do."
Bewildered, Satan asks "So, you aren't afraid of me then?"
"No I'm not" replies Bill calmly.
By now, Satan's melon is twisted beyond all recognition. "Why the hell not?" the dark Overlord enquires, to which Bill replies "Because I've been married to your sister for 25 years."

Three guys were sitting in a bar talking. One was a Doctor, one a lawyer, and the other a biker. After a sip of his martini, the doctor said "You know, tomorrow is my anniversary. I got my wife a diamond ring and a new Mercedes. I figure that if she doesn't like the diamond ring, she will at least like the Mercedes, and she will know that I love her."

After finishing his scotch, the lawyer replied "Well, on my last anniversary, I got my wife a string of pearls and a trip to the Bahamas. I figured if she didn't like the pearls, she would at least like the trip, and she would know that I love her." 

The biker then took a big swig from his beer, and said "Yeah, well for my anniversary, I got my old lady a tee-shirt and a vibrator. I figured if she didn't like the tee-shirt, she could go f**k herself."

In a little Italian village a man and his wife of 50 years were rocking back and forth in their porch. Suddenly, the wife stopped, grabbed her cane and whacked her husband across his shins as hard as she could. He cried out in pain, his eyes watered, tears ran down his face and he gasped "Why did you do that?"

She replied "That's for 50 years of bad sex." He nodded his head but said nothing. Slowly, husband and wife began to rock again and then suddenly the man stopped, grabbed his own cane and he whacked his wife across her shins as hard as he could. When her eyes quit tearing and the pain subsided so that she could finally speak, she asked "What was that for?" "That's for knowing the difference!"

Mary went to the doctor complaining of body odour. "Do you wash?" the doctor asked the smelly young girl. "Oh, yes" Mary answered "each morning, I start at my head and wash down as far as possible. Then I start at my feet and I wash up as far as possible." "Well" the doctor concluded "go home and wash your 'possible'!!"

A few days before his proctologic exam, a one-eyed man accidentally swallowed his glass eye. He was worried for a while, but there were no ill effects so he forgot about it. Once he was in the doctor's office, the man followed instructions, undressed and bent over. The first thing the proctologist saw when he looked up the man's rear was that eye staring right back at him. "You know" said the doctor "you really have to learn to trust me."

A filthy, scum-ridden tramp asks a passer-by if he might spare a couple of dollars.
"Will you use it to buy booze?" asked the man.
"No Sir" replied the tramp.
"I see, well will you gamble it away then?" asked the man. "No Sir, I shan't" said the tramp.
"Then come home with me" said the man "so my wife can see what happens to a man who doesn't drink or gamble".

A guy goes down for breakfast and it is quite obvious that his wife has the hump with him. He asks what is the matter. She replies "Last night you were talking in your sleep and I want to know who Linda is." Thinking quickly on his feet he tells her that Linda was 'Lucky Linda' and was actually the name of a horse that he bet on that day and won 340. She seemed quite happy with the explanation and he went off to work. When he got home that night, his wife had the hump with him again. Asking her what the matter was now, she replied "Your horse phoned!"

Whilst out on an expedition, three explorers get caught by a race of brutal savages. The chief savage goes up to the first explorer and offers him a choice. "Choose" says the chief. "Choose. Death or BUNDA!?" The first explorer thinks about this and decides that anything has to be better than death so he chooses BUNDA! The chief turns to his followers, shouts "BUNDA!" and then cuts the explorer loose, telling him to run.
The first explorer realises this is his chance to escape and legs it, hotly pursued by a group of whooping, hollering savages. Moments later, however, he is caught, dragged into some bushes and brutally buggered in every orifice.
The chief turns to the second explorer and asks "Death or BUNDA!?" The second explorer looks at what happened to the first explorer and, reckoning he can make a better job of escaping chooses BUNDA! Again, the chief turns to his followers, shouts "BUNDA!", cuts the explorer loose and tells him to run. The second explorer runs even quicker than the first, but eventually he too is caught by the savages and subjected to the same punishment.
Finally, the chief turns to the third explorer and asks "Death or BUNDA!?" The guy looks at what happened to his colleagues and reckons that death may well be the better option, so being brave he chooses death. The chief looks at him with almost a look of pity in his eyes, turns to his followers and shouts. "Death! BY BUNDA!!"

Two tourists were driving through Louisiana. As they were approaching Natchitoches, they started arguing about the pronunciation of the town's name. They argued back and forth until they stopped for lunch. As they stood at the counter, one tourist asked the blonde employee "Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us? Would you please pronounce where we are... very slowly?" The blonde leaned over the counter and said "Burrrrrr-Gurrrrr Kiiiinnggg."

A magician was working on a cruise ship in the Caribbean. The audience would be different each week, so the magician allowed himself to do the same tricks over and over again. There was only one problem - the captain's parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the magician did every trick. Once he understood he started shouting in the middle of the show: "Look, it's not the same hat" and "Look, he is hiding the flowers under the table" and "Hey, why are all the cards the Ace of Spades?" The magician was furious but couldn't do anything; it was, after all, the captain's parrot. One day the ship had an accident and sank. The magician found himself on a piece of wood in the middle of the ocean with the parrot, of course. They stared at each other with hatred, but did not utter a word. This went on for several days. After a week the parrot said: "OK, I give up. Where's the boat?"

It's two o'clock in the morning and a husband and wife are asleep, when suddenly the phone rings. The husband picks up the phone and says "Hello? ... How the hell do I know? What am I, the weather man?" and promptly slams the phone down. His wife rolls over and asks "Who was that?" The husband replies "I don't know. Some guy who wanted to know if the coast was clear."

A Motorway and a Dual Carriageway are sitting in a really rough pub enjoying a pint of rough cider to demonstrate just how HARD they are. The Dual Carriageway is impressing the pretty little A roads with his central reservation and the Motorway is showing off his hard shoulder. In short, they're getting on really well. They're just about to take the A roads "back to their place" when a piece of green tarmac walks in. The Motorway and the Dual Carriageway turn white with fear and dive for cover under the table which doesn't impress the A roads at all. The green tarmac downs a triple vodka and walks out of the pub. The Motorway and Dual Carriageway get out from under the table realising that they've blown it with the A roads. One of the A roads asks the Motorway: "Why did you go white and dive for cover when that green tarmac walked in? You're supposed to be the king of the roads!" The Motorway replies: "Because that green tarmac is a f**king Cycle Path!"

One day Joe complained to his friend "My elbow really hurts. I guess I should go to the doctor." His friend offered "Don't do that, there is a computer at the chemist that can diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor. Just put in a sample of your urine and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what to do about it. It only costs a tenner."
Joe figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and paid the $10.00. The computer started making some noises and various lights started to flash. After a brief pause, out popped a small slip of paper on which was printed:
'You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm salt water. Avoid heavy labour. It will be better in two weeks.' Later that evening, while thinking how amazing this new technology was, and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if the machine could be fooled. He decided to give it a try. He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction. He went back to the drug store, located the machine, poured in the sample and deposited $10.00. The machine again made the usual noise and printed out the following analysis:
'Your tap water is too hard - get a water softener. Your dog has worms - give him worm tablets. Your daughter is using Cocaine - put her in rehab. Your wife is pregnant with twins; they are not yours - get a lawyer. And if you don't stop jerking off, your elbow will NEVER get better.'

Three guys, one Irish, one English, and one Argentinean, are out walking along the beach together one day. They come across a lantern and a Genie pops out of it. "I will give you each one wish, that's three wishes in total" says the Genie. The Irish guy says: "I am a fisherman, my Dad's a fisherman, his Dad was a fisherman and my son will be one too. I want all the oceans full of fish for all eternity." So, with a blink of the Genie's eye, whoosh, the oceans were teaming with fish. The Argentinean was amazed, so he said: "I want a wall around Argentina, protecting her, so that no one will get in for all eternity. Again, with a blink of the Genie's eye, whoosh, there was a huge wall around Argentina. The Englishman asks: "I'm very curious. Please tell me more about this wall." The Genie explains that it's about 150 feet high, 50 feet thick and protecting Argentina so that nothing can get in or out. Then says the Englishman: "Fill it up with water!"

A young couple are out carousing one evening. While driving down the highway the guy says to the girl: "If I drive at 100 miles an hour, will you take off your clothes?" She agrees and he begins to speed up. When the speedometer hits 100 she starts to strip. When she gets all her clothes off he is so busy staring at her that he drives off the road and flips the car. The girl is thrown clear without a scratch but her clothes and her boyfriend are trapped in the car. "Go and get help" he pleads. She replies: "I can't, I'm naked." He points to his shoe that was thrown clear and says: "Cover yourself with that and go get help." She takes the shoe, covers herself, and runs to the gas station down the road. When she arrives she is frantic and yells to the attendant: "Help! Help! My boyfriend's stuck!" The attendant looks down at the shoe covering her crotch and replies: "I'm sorry, miss, he's too far in!"

A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from his name plate that the teller's name is Paddy Whack. So he says, "Mr. Whack, I'd like to get a loan to buy a boat and go on holiday". Paddy Whack looks at the frog in disbelief and asks how much he wants to borrow. The frog says 330,000. The teller asks his name and the frog says his name is Kermit Jagger and that it's OK, he knows the bank manager.

Paddy explains that 330,000 is a substantial amount of money and that he would need to secure some collateral against the loan and asks if he has anything he can use as collateral. The frog says "Sure, I have this" and produces a tiny pink elephant, about half an inch tall, and perfectly formed. Very confused, Paddy explains that he'll have to consult with the manager and disappears into a back office.

He finds the manager and says "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow 30 grand...and he wants to use this as collateral." He holds up the tiny pink elephant and says "I mean, what the f**k is this?" The bank manager replies "It's a knick knack, Paddy Whack. Give the frog a loan, his old man's a Rolling Stone."

A woman walks into her sex therapist's office and tells her that her husband is not a very good lover, they never have sex anymore, and asks what to do about it.  The therapist tells her that she has an experimental drug that might do the trick. She tells the woman to give her husband one pill that night and come back in the morning and tell her what happened.

The next day, the woman comes in ecstatic telling the therapist that the pill worked and she and her husband had the best sex ever. She asks her therapist what would happen if she gave her husband two pills and the therapist says she doesn't know, but to go ahead and try it.

The next day, the same thing happens, the woman comes in telling the therapist that the sex was even better than the night before and what would happen if she gave him five pills. The therapist says she doesn't know, but to go ahead and try it.

The next day, the woman comes in limp but happy, and tells the therapist that the sex just keeps getting better and what would happen if she gave her husband the rest of the bottle. The therapist says she doesn't know; it's an experimental drug and she doesn't know what a full bottle could do to a person. Anyway, the woman leaves the therapist's office and put the rest of the bottle of pills in the husband's morning coffee.

A week later, a boy walks into the therapist's office and says: "Are you the dumb f****r who gave my mother a bottle of experimental pills?" "Why, yes, young man, I did. Why?"
"Well, mom's dead, my sister's pregnant, my ass hurts, and dad's sitting in the corner going "Here, kitty, kitty, kitty..."

A little boy and his father decide to go for a walk. As they turn the corner they see two dogs on the side of the road in 'doggy style position'. The little boy asks his father "Daddy what are they doing?" The father replies "Son, they're making puppies." Later that night, the little boy hears a noise and goes to his parents bedroom. When he opens the door he sees his parents making love. The little boy looks at his father and says "Daddy what are you doing?" The father replies "Son, we're making babies." The little boy says "Well turn her over, I want a puppy!"

A married man was visiting his girlfriend when she requested that he shave his beard. "Oh James, I like your beard, but I would really love to see your handsome face." James replied "My wife loves this beard.  I couldn't possibly do it as she would kill me!"
"Oh please!" the girlfriend pleaded again, in a sexy little voice. "Oh really, I can't" replies James. "My wife loves this beard!!"  The girlfriend asked once more, and he sighs and finally gives in. That night James crawls into bed  alongside his wife while she was sleeping.  His wife is awakened somewhat, feels his face and replies "Oh Michael, you shouldn't be here, my husband will be home soon!"

A guy went to the States to work for a year during which time his girlfriend back home wrote him a break-off letter, asking for her photograph back.  He was annoyed and upset, and thought of a way to deal with such humiliation.  He went out and collected from his friends all the unwanted photographs of women that he could find, bundled them all together and sent them back with a note saying "Regret cannot remember which one is you.  Please take your photo and return the rest!"

A little old lady went into the Bank of Canada one day carrying a bag of money.  She insists that she must speak with the President of the bank to open a savings account because it's a lot of money.  They finally get her into the president's office and he asks her how much she would like to deposit.  She says she has $165,000 and then dumps it onto his desk.  The president was surprised and of course curious as to how she came by all this cash, so he asks her.  The old lady says "I make bets".  The president replies "Bets? What kind of bets?" The old lady replies "For example, I'll bet you $25,000 that your balls are square". "Ha!" says the president "that's a stupid bet, you can never win that kind of bet".  The old lady says "So, would you like to take my bet?"

"Sure" says the president "I'll bet $25,000 that my balls are not square!" The little old lady says "Since there is a lot of money involved is it OK with you if I bring my lawyer with me tomorrow at 10am as a witness?"  "Sure" says the president.  That night the president got very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of a mirror checking his balls, turning from side to side, again and again,  thoroughly checking them out until he was sure that there is no way his balls were square and that he would win the bet.

The next morning at 10am the little old lady appears with her lawyer at the president's office.  She introduces the lawyer to the president and repeats the bet, that $25,000 says the president's balls are square.  The president agrees with the bet again and the old lady asks him to drop his trousers so they can see.  The president does this. The old lady looks closely at his balls and then asks if she can feel them.  "Well, OK" says the president, $25,000 is a lot of money, so I guess you should be absolutely sure".  Then he notices that the lawyer is quietly banging his head against the wall and he asks the old lady "What is wrong with your lawyer?"

She replies "Nothing, except I bet him $100,000 that by 10am today I'd have the Bank of Canada's president's balls in my hands!"

One December morning, former President Bill Clinton goes out for his daily jog.  As he was leaving he saw on the capital yard the words 'Clinton Sucks' in urine.  Being upset he called the FBI and had them do a full investigation on the sample. Two weeks later the FBI returned to tell the President the news.  "Mr. President, we have some bad news.  The urine used was none other than that of Al Gore."  The President is outraged. "Mr. President, we have some more bad news; the handwriting is Hillary's."

A guy walks in to a bar. He puts down $100 and says "give me as many drinks as $100 will buy. The bartender asks "is there something wrong?" The guy answers "Yes, I just found out my son is gay".  The next day the same guy walks into the bar, puts down $200 and asks for as much drink as $200 will buy.  The bartender again asks if there is something the matter.  The guy says "Yep,  just found out my other son is gay."  The following day, the guy walks into the bar and puts down $300. "Give me as much drinks as $300 will buy."  The bartender says "Doesn't anyone in your family like women?" The guy says "Yes, my wife!"  

A guy went into a tattoo parlour to get a new tattoo. When the shop owner enquired what kind of tattoo was needed, the customer replied that he wanted a hundred dollar bill on his penis.  "Are you quite sure?"  the owner asked.  "Sure" replied the guy "I want this tattoo so I can handle my own money, so I can watch it grow, and so the next time my wife feels the need to blow a hundred bucks she doesn't need to leave home!"

A British Airways Jumbo was on its way from New York to London, when an announcement came over the loudspeaker....."Good afternoon ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. We seem to have a slight problem with one of our four engines, so we have had to shut it down. There's no need to worry as this plane can fly on one engine. It will however, mean a delay of about twenty minutes into Heathrow."

About twenty minutes later, the captain makes another announcement. "I do apologise but we have lost another one of our engines, and will mean another thirty minute delay." About twenty minutes later, the captain makes a further announcement..."We seem to have a problem, as we have lost our third engine and are now running on just one engine. This will mean another thirty minute delay into Heathrow." With that an Irishman stands up and says "F**king hell, if we lose any more engines, we'll be up here all bleeding night!"

A man is getting very worried about his wife, as she is becoming very short of breath every time they have sex. The man seeks advice from his doctor. "Well" says the doc "it could be one of two things - either she has a bad heart, or she has herpes." "How can I tell what it is?" asks the man. "Send her out for a five mile run" says the doc "and if she's OK when she comes back, don't shag her!"

Father Callahan was concerned with the decreasing attendance at his Sunday Mass, and decided he should try to spice it up with a few more timely topics. So the next Sunday he startled his audience with the question "Has anybody here ever seen a ghost?" Almost a third of the congregation put their hands up. "And how many of you have actually spoken to a ghost?" asked the priest from his pulpit. At this point only eight hands remained raised. Father Callahan smiled mysteriously. "And how many of you have had sexual relations with a ghost?" One hand stayed up, and the priest was none too pleased to see that he was now addressing Paddy O'Bryan, the town drunk. "Paddy" he asked gently "have you actually had sex with a ghost?" "Oh no" admitted Paddy with an abashed smile "I thought you said goat!"

A man and his fiancee decide to get married and spend their honeymoon in Jamaica, but before they depart, she asks him to get her name tattooed on his penis. With much hesitation, the man agrees. They go to a tattoo artist who carefully prints WENDY in large letters on his erection. Once in Jamaica, they decide to hit a nudist beach. In the mirror at their suite, he realises that in its flaccid state, the only letters visible on his tool are W and Y. At the nudist beach, he can't help but notice a Jamaican walking around in the buff with a W and Y visible on his limp member. The newlywed stops the native and says, blushing "Excuse me but is your wife named Wendy also?" The Jamaican looks him in the eyes, then looks down at his genitals and responds with a smile "No, mine says WELCOME TO JAMAICA - HAVE A NICE DAY."

A man is sitting in a pub talking to this guy and asks him what he does. The guy replies "I am a professor of Logic." "What's that then?" the guy asks. The professor replies "Well it's a bit hard to explain but I'll give you an example." He proceeds to ask him: "Do you have a goldfish?" "Yes I do."

"Well logic would deduce that you either keep it in a tank or in a pond." "I keep it in my pond" the guy replies.
"Well logic would imply that if you have a pond you have a large garden." "Yes I do."
"Well if you have a large garden logic implies you have a large house." "Yes that's correct."
"Well if you have a large house you have many bedrooms." "Yes, five in fact."
"Well logic would deduce that you have a large family." "Yes I do, I have four children."
"Well logic would deduce that you have a good sex life." "Yes I do, I love my wife deeply."
"Well then logic would deduce that you don't masturbate very much." "No I don't have the need."
"Well that is what a professor of logic is."

The guy is impressed by this demonstration. The next day he is talking to his mate and tells him about this professor of logic he met the day before. He asks him what a professor of logic is. The guy then tells him it is hard to explain but he will give him an example. He asks him if he has goldfish. His friend replies that he does not. "Well in that case you are a wanker."

A male whale and a female whale were swimming off the coast of Japan when they noticed a whaling ship. The male whale recognised it as the same ship that had harpooned his father many years earlier. He said to the female whale "Let's both swim under the ship and blow out our air hole at the same time and it should cause the ship to turn over and sink." They tried it and sure enough the ship turned over and quickly sank. Soon however, the whales realised the sailors were swimming to the safety of the shore. The male whale was enraged that they were going to get away and told the female "Let's swim after them and gobble them up before they reach the shore." At this point, he realised the female was becoming reluctant to follow him. "Look" she said "I went along with the blow job, but I absolutely refuse to swallow the seamen."

There was a man lying naked on a beach one day when he saw a little girl coming toward him. The man quickly put a blanket over him before the girl got there. When the little girl came up to him she said "Sir, what's under the blanket?" "Nothing" replied the man. The little girl insisted that he told her what was under the blanket so the man said "It's my pet bird, now go away little girl."

So the little girl left. The man lay back on his blanket and went to sleep. When the man woke up he was in hospital and he quickly asked the nurse what had happened and she replied "Hold on, let me get the little girl." When the little girl came into the room, the man asked her "What happened, why am I here?" The little girl answered "Well, I went to go pet your bird and it got mad and spat at me, so I broke it's neck, cracked it's eggs, and burned it's nest."

At a medical convention, a male doctor and a female doctor start eyeing each other. The male doctor invites her to dinner which she accepts. As they sit down at the table, she excuses herself to go and wash her hands. After dinner, one thing leads to another and they end up in her hotel room. Just as things hot up, she interrupts proceedings and says she has to go and wash her hands. Eventually they end up having sex. Immediately after the sex session, she gets up and says she is going to wash her hands again. When she comes back, the male doctor says "I bet you are a surgeon." "I am, but how did you know?" "Easy, you're always washing your hands!" "That's clever, I bet you're an anaesthesiologist." "Wow, how did you guess?" "Easy, I didn't feel a thing!"

Adam is all alone in the Garden of Eden and by now is fed up of playing with himself. So he calls God and says "Is there anything you can do to make me less lonely? I mean I'm red raw now and it can only get worse." God replies "OK I can create this wonderful being... smart, sexy, gorgeous, talented. She can wash-up, cook meals, give wonderful blow jobs and will be great in bed. It will be called the woman." "Excellent" said Adam. "The problem is, though, it will cost you an arm, a leg and a hand." Adam thinks this through for a while and eventually replies "What have you got for a rib?"

An angry wife met her husband at the front door. There was alcohol on his breath and lipstick on his collar. "I assume that there is a very good reason for you to come waltzing in here at six o' clock in the morning?" "There is," he replied. "Breakfast!"

A man and a woman who have never met before find themselves in the same sleeping carriage of a train. After the initial embarrassment, they both manage to get to sleep; the woman on the top bunk, the man on the lower. In the middle of the night the woman leans over and says "I'm sorry to bother you, but I'm awfully cold and I was wondering if you could possibly pass me another blanket." The man leans out and with a glint in his eye says "I've got a better idea... let's pretend we're married." "Why not!" giggles the woman. "Good" he replies "get your own damn blanket."

A man was walking his dog through some woods when he heard a cry for help. He ran through the woods and eventually came across a guy standing stark naked with his hands tied around a tree. The man with the dog says "What the hell happened to you?" as he ties his dog up to a tree. The tied man replies "Oh mate, you would not f*cking believe it, these guys came running up to me and took my clothes, all my money, my watch, my jewellery and left me tied stark bloody naked to this tree!" The other man, whilst unzipping his flies, shouts "Well, it's not your lucky day is it mate!!"

An American Indian boy asks his father "How did you pick names for us kids Pop?" "Well" the chief replied "when your older brother was born, the first thing I saw when I came out of the tee pee was an eagle soaring high in the sky. So I named him Flying Eagle. When your little sister was born the first thing I saw was a deer running away, so I named her Running Deer. Why do you ask, F**king Dog?"

A man goes to his doctor and says "Doc, I've just been raped by an elephant!". The stunned doctor replies "What makes you say that?" "Well" says the man holding his hands about a foot or so apart "my arsehole feels this big!" "Bend over, and let me have a look" says the doctor. The guy bends over and sure enough, his arsehole is about ten inches across. "But I thought that elephants only had a long thin penis" states the doctor. "Yeah, I know" says the agitated man "but it fingered me first!"

There were three men on a business trip trying to rent a hotel room. They went up to the desk and asked for their rooms. The clerk there said that was only one room left but it had a king size bed. The three men agreed to take it. In the middle of the night, all three woke up.

The man on the left said "I had a dream that some one was holding my dick!"
"Same here!" said the man on the right.
"Strange" said the middle guy "I had a dream that I was skiing!"

When Ralph first noticed that his penis was growing larger and staying erect longer, he was delighted, as was his boyfriend. But after several weeks his penis had grown to nearly twenty inches. Ralph became quite concerned, so he and his mate went to see a prominent urologist. After an initial examination, the physician explained to the couple that, though rare, Ralph's condition could be cured through corrective surgery.

"How long will Ralph be on crutches?" the mate asked anxiously. "Crutches? Why would he need crutches?" responded the surprised doctor.
"Well" said the mate coldly "you ARE planning to lengthen Ralph's legs, aren't you ?"


While doing a vasectomy, the doctor slipped and cut off one of the man's balls. To avoid a huge malpractice suit, he decided to replace the ball with on onion. Several weeks later the patient returned for a checkup.

"How's your sex life?" the doctor asked. "Pretty good" the man said, to the doctor's relief. But then he added "I've had some strange side effects though."
"What's that?" the doctor asks anxiously.

"Well, every time I piss, my eyes water. When my mate gives me a blow job, he gets heartburn, and every time I pass a hamburger stand I get a hard-on!"

A guy walks into a bar. He's a rather large, menacing chap. He chugs back a beer and says "All the guys on this side of the bar are cocksuckers. Anyone got a problem with that?"

Everyone is understandably silent. He then chugs back another beer and says "All the guys on the other side of the bar are motherf**kers! Anyone got a problem with that?" Everyone is silent again.

Then one man gets up from his stool and starts to walk towards the man. "You got a problem, buddy?"
"No, I'm just on the wrong side of the bar."

Edward walks out of a bar, stumbling back and forth with a key in his hand. A cop on the beat sees him and approaches. "Can I help you, fella?" asks the cop.

"Yesssh, ssshombody stole my car!" Edward replies. The cop asks "OK, where was your car the last time you saw it?"
"It was at the end of this key" Edward replies.

At this point the cop looks down to see that Edward's penis is hanging out of his trousers. The cop asks Edward "Hey buddy, are you aware that you're exposing yourself?"

Edward looks down sadly and moans "OHHH GOD...they got Julie too!!!"

Jeff and Mike were in an accident, and killed instantly. Upon Jeff's arrival at the Pearly Gates, he is met by St. Peter.

"Where is my friend Mike?" Jeff asked. St. Peter replies "Well, Mike was not as fortunate as you. He went in the other direction instead of getting into Heaven." Jeff was bothered by this and asked "Well, could I see Mike one more time just to be sure he is OK?"

So, Jeff and St. Peter walked over to the edge of Heaven and looked down. There was Mike, on a sandy beach, with a gorgeous sexy blonde in a bikini, and a keg of beer.

"I don't mean to complain, but Mike seems to have it pretty nice down there in Hell" says Jeff.
"It's not as it appears to be" says St. Peter. "You see, the keg has a hole in it........and the blonde doesn't."

This guy is driving in Arizona and his car breaks down in the middle of nowhere. As he starts back to town this native American comes along on a horse and gives him a ride. On the whole trip back to town the native American kept yelling whoopee at the top of his lings every few minutes.

When at the closest town, the Indian lets the guy off and lets out one last loud whoopee as he rides off. The guy asked the garage attendant "You know what that was all about?"

The guy replied "Nope. What did you do?"
"Nothing, I just put my arms around him and held onto the saddle horn all the way here."
"Ah" the garage attendant replied "native Americans ride bareback."

An employee of USAir with the last name of Gay boarded a USAir flight with a free travel voucher. Soon after he sat down, someone else came and claimed he had the same seat assignment, so Mr. Gay moved down do an empty seat.

Soon after that the airplane began to fill up. The rule with the USAir employee vouchers is that if a paying customer needs your seat, you have to surrender it. So when the flight became completely full and still more needed to get on, a flight attendant went to the original seat of Mr. Gay and said to the man now sitting there "Excuse me, are you Gay?"

The man, somewhat stunned, said "Well, yes, as a matter of fact I am!" The flight attendant said "I'm sorry, but you'll have to get off the plane." At this point Mr. Gay, who had been watching all of this, jumped up and said "Excuse me, you've made a mistake - I'm Gay!"

Finally, another man jumped up and said "Well, hell, I'm gay too! They can't throw us all off!"

A priest gets appointed to a new church. He shows up on a Sunday during mass, and towards the end of the service, the outgoing priest introduces him, and says: "Since we have a newcomer in our congregation, he will be allowed to pick the first hymn."

The priest stands, looks at the choir, points and says "Thank you Father, I'll take him, him, and him."

A guy applied to join a nudist club. "Exactly what do you do here?" he asked. "It's quite simple" said the club secretary "We take off all our clothes and commune with nature."

"Cool" said the guy, "...count me in!!!" So he paid his membership fee, took off his gear and strolled off. As he walked along a path, he saw a big sign which read "Beware of Gays." A little further along he saw another sign which read the same thing "Beware of Gays." He continued walking until he came to a small clearing which had a bronze plaque set in the ground. He bent over to read the plaque and it said "Sorry...you've had two warnings!"

A son was home from college and tells his dad "I think my roommate's becoming a queer!"

"What makes you think so?" asked the dad. "Because he closes his eyes when I kiss him!"

An Arab prince was arriving by plane at Heathrow Airport in London. Before entering the UK, you have to fill in an immigration sheet and the flight attendant has just distributed those papers to the passengers. In the box for SEX in the card the Arab prince wrote "Yes, please." The flight attendant collected the papers but came back to the Arab prince and said "Sir, here you have to write 'male' or 'female'. The prince replied "Oh, it doesn't matter for me."


Dick has been in the computer business for 25 years and is finally sick of the stress. He quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in Tennessee as far from humanity as possible. He sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month. Otherwise it's total peace and quiet. After six months or so of almost total isolation, he's finishing dinner when someone knocks on his door. He opens it and there is a big, bearded Hillbilly standing there.

"Name's Billy Bob... Your neighbour from four miles over the ridge...Having a party Saturday... thought you'd like to come."
"Great" says Dick, "after six months of this I'm ready to meet some local folks. Thank you."

As Billy Bob is leaving he stops "Gotta warn you there's gonna be some drinkin'."

"Not a problem... after 25 years in the computer business, I can drink with the best of 'em."

Again, as he starts to leave Billy Bob stops. "More 'n' likely gonna be some fightin' too."

Damn, Dick thinks. Tough crowd. "Well, I get along with people. I'll be there. Thanks again."

Once again Billy Bob turns from the door. "I've seen some wild sex at these parties, too."

"Now that's not a problem," says Dick, "Remember I've been alone six months! I'll definitely be there... by the way, what should I wear?"

Billy Bob stops at the door again and says "Whatever you want, just gonna be the two of us."

A redneck, a sheep, and a dog were survivors of a terrible shipwreck. They found themselves stranded on a desert island. After being there awhile, they got into the habit of going to the beach
every evening to watch the sun go down.

One particular evening, the sky was red with beautiful cirrus clouds, the breeze was warm and gentle; a perfect night for romance. As they sat there, the sheep started looking better and better to the redneck. Soon, he leaned over to the sheep and put his arm around it. The dog got jealous, growling fiercely until the redneck took his arm from around the sheep. After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets together, but there was no more cuddling.

A few weeks passed by, and lo and behold, there was another shipwreck. The only survivor was a beautiful young woman, the most beautiful woman the redneck had ever seen. She was in a pretty bad way when they rescued her, and they slowly nursed her back to health.

When the young maiden was well enough, they introduced her to their evening beach ritual. It was another beautiful evening, red sky, cirrus clouds, a warm and gentle breeze; perfect for a night of romance. Pretty soon, the redneck started to get "those feelings" again. He fought them as long as he could, but he finally gave in, cautiously leaned over to the young woman, and whispered in her ear...

"Would you mind taking the dog for a walk?"

A blonde decides to do something wild she hasn't done before, so she sets out to rent her first X-rated adult video. She goes to the video store and, after looking around for a while, selects a title that sounds very stimulating.

She drives home, lights some candles, slips into something comfortable, and puts the tape in the VCR. To her disappointment there's nothing but static on the screen, so she calls the video store to complain.

Blonde: "I just rented an adult movie from you and there's nothing on the tape, but static."

Store Clerk: "Sorry about that. We've had problems with some of those tapes. Which title did you rent?"

Blonde: "It's called 'Head Cleaner'.

There were these three guys, an Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman. They all worked together at a factory. Everyday, they notice that their boss leaves work a little early. So one day they meet together and say that today when the boss leaves, they'll all leave early too. The boss left and so did they. The Englishman goes home and goes to rest so he can get an early start. The Scotsman goes home and cooks dinner. The Irishman goes home and walks to his bedroom. He opens the door slowly and sees his wife in bed with his boss so he shuts the door and tiptoes away.

The next day the Englishman and Scotsman are talking and plan to go home early again. They ask the Irishman if he wants to leave early again and he says, "No." They ask him why not and he says, "because yesterday I almost got caught!"

A wife, one evening, drew her husband's attention to the young couple next door and said, "Do you see those two? How devoted they are? He kisses his young bride every time they meet. Why don't you do that?"

"I would love to," replied the husband, "but I don't know her well enough."

It is said that when you tell an American a joke, he will laugh three times. First - when you tell it, to be polite. Second - when you explain it, to be polite. And third - in the middle of the night when he wakes up and finally gets it.

When you tell a German the same joke, he will laugh twice. First - when you tell it, to be polite. And second - when you explain it, to be polite. He won't laugh a third time because he will never get it.

When you tell an Englishman the same joke, he won't laugh at all. Instead he will say, "It's an old joke and besides, you tell it all wrong!"

"I went to an authentic Mexican restaurant. The waiter poured the water and then warned me not to drink it." 

I don't think I'll ever have a mother's intuition. My sister left me alone in a restaurant with my 12-month-old nephew. I said, "What do I do if he cries?"
She said, "Give him some vegetables."
It turns out that jalapenos are not his favorite.

Her husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she stayed by his bedside every single day. When he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer. As she sat by him, he said, "You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you gave me support. When my health
started failing, you were still by my side.

When I think about it now, I think you bring me bad luck."

A sports fan pays a small fortune for a scalped ticket to the Superbowl. He's seated in the back row of the stand, but notices an empty seat near the front. He makes his way down and asks the gentleman seated next to the empty seat if anyone is sitting there. The man shakes his head and the sports fan sits down. 

At half-time, they start talking and the fan asks why the seat is empty. "My wife and I used to attend the Superbowl every year, but she died earlier this week." The fan says how sorry he is to hear that, and asks "But don't you have any friends or relatives that you could have given the ticket to?" and the man replies "No, they're all at the funeral."

TWO NEW ADDITIONS TO THE PERIODIC TABLE OF ELEMENTS

Element Name: WOMANIUM - Symbol: WO

Atomic Weight: (don't even go there)

Physical properties: Generally soft and round in form. Boils at nothing and may freeze any time. Melts when treated properly. Very bitter if not used well.

Chemical properties: Very active. Highly unstable. Possesses strong affinity with gold, silver, platinum, precious stones. Violent when left alone. Able to absorb great amounts of exotic food. Turns slightly green when placed next to a better specimen.

Usage: Highly ornamental. An extremely good catalyst for dispersion of wealth. Probably the most powerful income-reducing agent known.

Caution: Highly explosive in inexperienced hands!

Element Name: MANIUM - Symbol: XY

Atomic Weight: (180 +/- 50)

Physical properties: Solid at room temperature, but gets bent out of shape easily. Fairly dense and sometimes flaky. Difficult to find a pure sample. Due to rust, aging samples are unable to conduct electricity as easily as young samples.

Chemical properties: Attempts to bond with WO any chance it can get. Also tends to form strong bonds with itself. Becomes explosive when mixed with KD (Element: CHILDIUM) for prolonged period of time. Neutralize by saturating with alcohol.

Usage: None known. Possibly good methane source. Good samples are able to produce large quantities on command.

Caution: In the absence of WO, this element rapidly decomposes and begins to smell.

Two peanuts walk into a bar. One was a salted.

A jumper cable walks into a bar. The barman says "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."

A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says "Sorry, we don't serve food in here."

A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says "A beer please, and one for the road."

Two antennae meet on a roof, fall in love, and get married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was great.

Two cannibals are eating a clown.
One says to the other "Does this taste funny to you?"

Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly "I was artificially inseminated this morning." "I don't believe you," said Dolly. "It's true, no bull!"

Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says "I've lost my electron. "The other says "Are you sure?"
The first replies "Yes, I'm positive."


I went to the butcher's the other day and I bet him fifty bucks that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf.
He said "No, the steaks are too high."

My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. He was pulled in by a strong currant.

A crab went to a seafood disco last week and pulled a mussel.

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank.
This proves once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says "Dam!".

Two fish are in a tank. One says to the other "I'll man the cannon, you drive."

"I asked this one girl out and she said, 'You got a friend?' I said yes, she said, 'Then go out with him'"

"When I'm driving here I see a sign that says, CAUTION: SMALL CHILDREN PLAYING. I slow down, and then it occurs to me, I'm not afraid of small children."

"The only exercise program that has ever worked for me is occasionally getting up in the morning and jogging my memory to remind myself exactly how much I hate to exercise."

The workers at the Federal Mint went on strike today. They are demanding to make less money!

Three guys walk into a bar - a Catholic priest, a pedophile and a gay. That's one...

Three nuns are killed in a tragic car accident. They ascend to heaven where St. Peter greets them with the news that heaven is getting a little crowded and they will have to answer a question to make sure they qualify for entry. To the first nun St. Peter says "What was the name of the first woman on Earth?" After a brief pause, the nun says "Oh that's an easy one, that would be Eve" and St. Peter says "Yep, you're in," and waves her through the pearly gates. He turns to the second nun and says "When Adam and Eve were on Earth, where did they live?" After another brief pause, the nun says "Oh that's an easy one, that would be the Garden of Eden," and again St. Peter says "Yep, you're in" and waves her through. He turns to the third nun and says that since she's actually a Mother Superior, her question will be a little trickier. "When Eve first met Adam, what were her first words?" "Goodness, that's a hard one," says the Mother Superior "Yep, you're in," says St. Peter.

A yuppie is getting out of his new Mercedes parked at the side of the road, when a car comes too close and hits him and the door. He stands there shouting about the damage to his car, and a cop listens to him going on before he gets a chance to speak. "You know you yuppies just make me sick," he says. "All you care about is possessions and money and you're so stupid you haven't even realised that your arm has been ripped off!" The yuppie looks down and says "Oh my God, my Rolex!" 

A young man has recently moved into a new apartment, and is downstairs one day at the mail boxes fixing his name to his mail box. The door of one of the nearby apartments opens, and out walks this attractive female who saunters over and introduces herself. As they chat, he gets a little flustered as he notices that the robe she's wearing is falling open, and it would appear that she's not wearing too much underneath. She leans forward and whispers in his ear "I think I can hear someone coming. Would you like to come back to my place?" He agrees, and as they enter her apartment she closes the door behind her, slips off the robe, and she's totally naked. "So, what do you think my best feature is then?" she asks. The young man looks her up and down and says "I think probably your ears." The girl is astonished. "But my boobs are big, they don't sag at all," she says. "My butt's firm. My skin is flawless, no scars or blemishes. I've got all that going for me, and you choose my ears as my best feature. Why?" The young man looks at her and says "Well, you know when we were outside, and you said you thought you could hear somebody coming? That was me."   

St. Peter's standing at the pearly gates when a timid man arrives. St. Peter tells him that heaven is getting a little crowded and he will have to justify his entry into heaven. St. Peter asks him "What was the bravest thing you ever did while you were alive?" and the man replies "Well, there was this one time I was at a truck stop, and some Hell's Angels started picking on an old lady, so I went outside and kicked over one of their motorbikes." St. Peter looks impressed and says "Well, I must say that sounds quite courageous. When did this incident happen?" The guy looks at his watch and says "About a minute ago." 


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